Category Archives: What Does the Alien Say

Collection of ongoing blog/story about story posts about an alien experiencing life on our planet for the first time.

What Does The Alien Say About St. Patrick’s Day?

Day 31, St Patricks Day Planet Earth


How strange it is that the humans on Earth only need to sleep for a mere 8 hours or even less at times. I awoke from my 20 day sleep cycle, and in that short amount of time it truly feels like I have woken up on a different world. The hearts that decorated this small town are now replaced with any and everything that is green.

The office of the facility where I was staying was also decorated in green. Green couch and chairs, as well as a peppy woman behind the counter who was staring at me the moment I walked in.

“Howdy doode sir,” she said enthusiastically, “What can I do a for?”

“Well,” I replied, “I’m just,”

“Oh no,” she said and then walked across to my side of the counter, “You sir are not wearing any green!” She then gave me a slight pinch on my arm, to which I said nothing. I did not give this person permission to touch me. I have no idea what kind of diseases her fingers could be carrying. I turned around and right out the door so as to not get into a war with this strange woman.

I found myself in the only part of town which had buildings that were rather tall. Different signs blinked and songs sang even this early in morning. The dark alleyways that could be seemed as scary if you came across them at night, seemed much more inviting in the morning sun.  Without warning a man with a giant head and a green moustache jumped out of the alley I was passing.

“Oh no no no sir,” he began, “I see no green on you. It’s time for a pinch.”

Learning from my previous mistake of allowing someone to touch me, I punched the man right in the face before he had the chance to do the same. He fell down immediately, on the way down his hat fell off of his head onto the bumping sidewalk. Since the man didn’t seem to be getting up anytime soon, I took his hat so I could avoid anymore issues like that.

I wandered in the area that they called downtown for a good majority of the rest of the day. So late in fact that it began to turn into night. That’s when the craziness really happened. After seeing the things that I saw I am not so sure, we want to migrate some of our people to this land. It seems their entire race is going backwards into the monsters of the past.  

I’ve mentioned before the strangeness that follows the women and men of this planet, and it seems that men are in control. They merely give beads to the females on this planet and they lift their shirts and show their breasts to them at no other cost. The men have even been prone to put them on the internet so at any time any person who desires to see their breasts can see. How strange the leaders of our world would seem to us if we could see them naked at the click of a button?

I admit I found myself looking many times when it happened around me, but how could one from our world not do this? We are bound to one person our entire lives and in the span of one hour in this cess pool they call a bar, I have seen at least ten times that amount!

Across the bar I noticed what appeared to be a blessing from their God welcoming me to this world. It looked like the nectar from our home world! Bright green and bubbly all at the same time, I was certain this was what I needed to sustain myself on this planet. They called it beer, and apparently it was green for their St. Patricks day holiday. A holiday whose origin no one at that facility even knew. That green beer was the most disgusting thing I have ever put inside my mouth. The taste can only be described as a cross between the mud of our planet and the sugar and salt of this planet. The humans here consumed it like it was the most important thing on Earth. I could see why the men were buying drinks for the women, as the more they consumed the more times they lifted their shirts up for the men.

The night began to come to a close and the bar emptied down to maybe a dozen people including myself. Looking back I can imagine how a man like me, dressed in a plain black t-shirt and jeans with a goofy looking green hat sitting alone at the bar would look. To me though, the seven men that were pawing at the two females in the bar seemed silly.

As I drank the last of my 2nd disgusting green beer I was approached by a dark haired woman who identified herself as Maya. “Hey there,” she said, but it came our more like “hey derere,” with her slurred speech.

“Hello,” I replied.

“So look,” she said, “How do you feels about leaving?”

I had no idea what point she was trying to make so I remained silent.

“Come on,” she said and motioned for me to follow her to the door.

“Ok,” I replied, “But where are we going?”

She again said nothing, but I followed willingly.

I do not wish to put in this report the events that followed, but I will say that I am following my directive and I took plenty of notes. I left my hat in the alleyway next to Maya who was fast asleep. My walk home was uneventful. The different bars were turning their lights off and the left over people were staggering to their cars, clearly unable to walk. I will have to remember to research how it is that these humans are able to safely operate the motor vehicles when they are incapable of walking.

Next week I start my job at the local diner, where I will continue my directives. I will report back as soon as I have more to report. Good day to all and may he bless us all.


Weekly Writing Challenge -What Does the Alien Say?- A comedy



February 14 2013, Day 1, Gob, Earth Planet


I passed this planets moon in the early hours of the evening. My quick survey of the moon resulted in no significant threat. The dark side remains unexplored other than the arrangements we have in place. Our equipment has been untouched and operational.

While I waited the download, and the other item requested I listed and watch on the transmissions of the location I was to land. As per agreement, I will land in a location known as Ohio, and scout and report my findings. As I listened and watch their internet I must say this species of man is a very unique one. They share our worship of Saint Valentine, however they celebrate but one day a year, and on this day they exchange chocolate (not as good as the chocolate on our home world I must add), and something they call greeting cards.

I watched their most visited internet site they call facebook for the majority of my wait, and I think I learned a lot of valuable information that will benefit us in our future endeavors. It seems the female of the species here are not afraid to get pregnant at an early age. I can only presume this is so they can spend their agile younger days raising children instead of wasting their energies on less important matters like a job, and education. They even have a show on their television that shows the many benefits of making such a wise choice! I wasn’t able to watch much of it, but it seems after these girls bear the children, the men that helped them become a mother were removed from the burden of parenthood!!

I have also learned that they do not stay with just one partner. This is very strange to me, because we are not so different than they are, and we have always been taught that our genitals will implode if use them on anyone after the first. Perhaps they found a cure for this? How great our species would benefit if we could mate with as many different females as we wanted! They use their internet as a way to see the other sex (and same sex it seems) naked by just going to different websites. I’ve learned from facebook that the sex with multiple partners is not something everyone likes to do, but it seems even if it is not wanted, you just tell all your friends about it, and pretend you hate this person and you will get back together with them?

I spent more time than I wanted to with the preparations; however the moment the files were finished, I headed straight for the landing site. It’s hard to believe this species has not found out a way to detect the various trackers and spy bots I found hiding in their atmosphere, most of which seemed to be made on this very planet to spy on one another? Strange.

I was not detected, as our new blending model AP43 worked like a dream. A Space shuttle entering the atmosphere, then airplane, and then their version of a car. I was not detected.

Upon landing I quickly changed into one of their strange multi pieced outfits and I even managed to match their most popular brand, something they call Wal-Mart. The behavior of the earth species seemed very strange that day. It seemed in the morning they drank a drink we outlawed near the beginning of our history. Coffee was consumed in rapid amounts, and they didn’t seem to mind a bit that this plant was grown in animal feces. They took uppers to help them wake up in the morning, and later that evening they drank alcohol and took downers to help them fall asleep. I even witnessed a male trying to help himself sleep by wasting bodily fluids during self-gratification. I later learned that they have yet to learn the uses for their bodily secretions.

The main flower I saw was not one growing from the ground, instead it was a red rose they were selling in shops. The males had to buy these for their females before they could engage in relations. To the observer this does appear to be a lot cheaper than the rituals on our planet, but of course very unsanitary!

I will report more tomorrow, currently outside of my hotel room, I can hear many different individuals engaging in coitus, and I met a young lady who offered to come to my room and teach me about the different sexual acts that this species practices. Here’s hoping my genitals don’t catch on fire. Tali-Ho my friends!



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