What Does The Alien Say About St. Patrick’s Day?

Day 31, St Patricks Day Planet Earth

 

How strange it is that the humans on Earth only need to sleep for a mere 8 hours or even less at times. I awoke from my 20 day sleep cycle, and in that short amount of time it truly feels like I have woken up on a different world. The hearts that decorated this small town are now replaced with any and everything that is green.

The office of the facility where I was staying was also decorated in green. Green couch and chairs, as well as a peppy woman behind the counter who was staring at me the moment I walked in.

“Howdy doode sir,” she said enthusiastically, “What can I do a for?”

“Well,” I replied, “I’m just,”

“Oh no,” she said and then walked across to my side of the counter, “You sir are not wearing any green!” She then gave me a slight pinch on my arm, to which I said nothing. I did not give this person permission to touch me. I have no idea what kind of diseases her fingers could be carrying. I turned around and right out the door so as to not get into a war with this strange woman.

I found myself in the only part of town which had buildings that were rather tall. Different signs blinked and songs sang even this early in morning. The dark alleyways that could be seemed as scary if you came across them at night, seemed much more inviting in the morning sun.  Without warning a man with a giant head and a green moustache jumped out of the alley I was passing.

“Oh no no no sir,” he began, “I see no green on you. It’s time for a pinch.”

Learning from my previous mistake of allowing someone to touch me, I punched the man right in the face before he had the chance to do the same. He fell down immediately, on the way down his hat fell off of his head onto the bumping sidewalk. Since the man didn’t seem to be getting up anytime soon, I took his hat so I could avoid anymore issues like that.

I wandered in the area that they called downtown for a good majority of the rest of the day. So late in fact that it began to turn into night. That’s when the craziness really happened. After seeing the things that I saw I am not so sure, we want to migrate some of our people to this land. It seems their entire race is going backwards into the monsters of the past.  

I’ve mentioned before the strangeness that follows the women and men of this planet, and it seems that men are in control. They merely give beads to the females on this planet and they lift their shirts and show their breasts to them at no other cost. The men have even been prone to put them on the internet so at any time any person who desires to see their breasts can see. How strange the leaders of our world would seem to us if we could see them naked at the click of a button?

I admit I found myself looking many times when it happened around me, but how could one from our world not do this? We are bound to one person our entire lives and in the span of one hour in this cess pool they call a bar, I have seen at least ten times that amount!

Across the bar I noticed what appeared to be a blessing from their God welcoming me to this world. It looked like the nectar from our home world! Bright green and bubbly all at the same time, I was certain this was what I needed to sustain myself on this planet. They called it beer, and apparently it was green for their St. Patricks day holiday. A holiday whose origin no one at that facility even knew. That green beer was the most disgusting thing I have ever put inside my mouth. The taste can only be described as a cross between the mud of our planet and the sugar and salt of this planet. The humans here consumed it like it was the most important thing on Earth. I could see why the men were buying drinks for the women, as the more they consumed the more times they lifted their shirts up for the men.

The night began to come to a close and the bar emptied down to maybe a dozen people including myself. Looking back I can imagine how a man like me, dressed in a plain black t-shirt and jeans with a goofy looking green hat sitting alone at the bar would look. To me though, the seven men that were pawing at the two females in the bar seemed silly.

As I drank the last of my 2nd disgusting green beer I was approached by a dark haired woman who identified herself as Maya. “Hey there,” she said, but it came our more like “hey derere,” with her slurred speech.

“Hello,” I replied.

“So look,” she said, “How do you feels about leaving?”

I had no idea what point she was trying to make so I remained silent.

“Come on,” she said and motioned for me to follow her to the door.

“Ok,” I replied, “But where are we going?”

She again said nothing, but I followed willingly.

I do not wish to put in this report the events that followed, but I will say that I am following my directive and I took plenty of notes. I left my hat in the alleyway next to Maya who was fast asleep. My walk home was uneventful. The different bars were turning their lights off and the left over people were staggering to their cars, clearly unable to walk. I will have to remember to research how it is that these humans are able to safely operate the motor vehicles when they are incapable of walking.

Next week I start my job at the local diner, where I will continue my directives. I will report back as soon as I have more to report. Good day to all and may he bless us all.

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