Hurting A Little Less

ImageI walked alone in the snow tonight. The first snow of the year always does something magical to me. I feel like it wipes everything clean.  The world looks a little less tainted when it is under a fresh blanket of snow.  Looking up and seeing beautiful white flakes of soft snow fall from the heavens often brings a bit of romance to the world for those who aren’t so busy they can slow down their life just a little bit to appreciate it.

                Tonight I did just that.  When I started walking the first thing I could not stop thinking about was this silly thing called a love life. I’m older now, no longer a teenager, one would think that would make me smarter right?

                For those that may read this. My name is Michael. I am nothing special, I am getting close to my middle ages, I have been married, but that didn’t stick. Sometimes I run into my ex wife, we exchange words, both pleasant and not so pleasant. Seeing as how it’s the first snow, Thanksgiving just ended and the last time I saw her she showed me some photos of her Thanksgiving. We never had children so there is really no tie binding us together anymore. She has since moved on, met someone new and they had children of their own. She showed me pictures of their Thanksgiving. Her family, my old family all smiles, enjoying their time together.

                That love never lasted because back then I wasn’t a good person. I was bigger then. Going for walk anywhere at any time would never have happened, because I was too fat and lazy to let it happen. I hated myself, my life, and my wife. Why that good woman stayed with me as long as she did I will never know. I guess it’s good to see her happy, at the same time I guess it’s not.

                I continued to walk as the snow got deeper and the night got darker, more thoughts running through my mind, more regrets and hates hitting and hurting my heart. When the marriage was over I changed myself into a person no one would ever recognize as that same person. I think I did a very good job of it myself. I lost a lot of weight and I became a person that people honestly liked to have around.  I changed my outlook on life, started school to better myself and really honestly and truly felt good about myself. So why did I start doing what I did? I don’t know, I guess it made things hurt a little less. Sometimes that’s what people do you know? They do whatever it takes to get through life hurting a little less.

                After the marriage was over I think I wanted to find love again quickly. I had just started to fix myself, just started to lose the weight, just started to have a positive outlook on life. My friends introduced me to someone that seemed to be interested in me. We talked allot, we sat under the stars in front of a fire more nights than I can honestly remember. We had a good time, but we just didn’t fit right you know? No crime in that, some people just weren’t meant to be. Some people things just didn’t work out for.

                When I killed her, I slit her throat and burned her body underneath the stars.

                The next time I found a girl. I truly fell in love with her. To this day her picture runs through my mind and my heart skips a beat. I think about the few kisses we shared, the night we spent together and the smile she gave me as she flirted and teased me.

                Lindsey and I met at work.  It was one of the random jobs I have kept over the years to simply try and pay the rent.  The first time I saw her she was crying. Someone hurt her. You know that saying how every time you make the one you say you love cry, there is someone else wishing they could make them smile? Yeah that held true this time around. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. Here she was right in front of me. Some idiot was dumb enough not to give this girl everything she ever wanted. People can be so stupid.  

                We didn’t talk that first day but one word was spoken. Every chance I could get I would steal a glance that afternoon. I was a cook at some backwater slop house of a restaurant and she was sitting at the counter. Our eyes only met once and only one word was said.

                “Smile,” I told her.

                She smiled at me for just  a second then her tears began to fall even more and she left.

                We worked together allot more after that. Our flirts becoming more and more, and meaning more and more each and every time. I fell in love with this girl long before the first time our lips touched. She seemed so sweet and innocent, she seemed so happy and pure. Without saying the old saying one too many times, she truly was the girl of my dreams.  Sometimes when she crosses my mind, I remember her eyes meeting mine every time we worked together. Her heart skipping the same beats that mine would skip. She was married though, so her and I could never be.

                Though it did finally happen. Just once.

                We were leaving work at the same time, I was walking to my car at one end of the parking lot she was going to hers. I said bye like I normally would to anyone and started to walk away.

                “Hey Michael,” she called to me as I then quickly turned around. She smiled so innocently, so nervously and then asked me, “Do you want to maybe hang out for a little bit before I go home?”

                I only smiled and waved her to my car. As we drove to my house we talked about her marriage and how things were going. He hit her the other night. Hit her because she had come home late. Her tears went from her cheeks to my passenger seat.

                Before I knew it we had got to my house, I went out back and started a fire. We sat by the fire talking about her life, my life, work, and everything in between.

                “You know I really like you,” she said from the other end of the swing.

                “Yeah, I kind of thought so,” I said, “But your married.”                 She frowned at that and simply said under her breath, “Yeah I am.” With that a few more tears streamed down her cheeks that I could barely see shimmer in the light of the fire.  IT was like second nature. We were closer now, we had become friends.

                As I slid over and put my arms around her to comfort her I whispered in her ear, “No one should have to cry alone Lindsey.”                 We sat there for awhile. Watching the stars in the summer sky. No longer talking much. No words being exchanged anyway. I think looking back words would only have ruined that moment.  Holding her, my arms around her, and her head on my chest, the moment was more than perfect.

                Before I knew it she had jumped up and taken my hand, “Let’s go for a swim,” she said and smiled.

                Next thing I knew her clothes were off and she was in my pool. I stood outside the pool just watching her. Marveling at her beauty in the moonlight. The way her tan skin reflected off the moonlight as she climbed out of the pool and jumped in again. The entire time I tried being a gentleman and not looking at her body, but not looking away just the same.

                She swam over time resting her head on the pool looking up at me she held her hand out to me, “Come swim with me, please.”

                I took her hand and she pulled me in. We swam playfully for no more than 10 minutes. I picked her up and carried her out of the pool next. Before I put her down our lips locked for just a minute.

                The rest of the night we kissed and cuddled laughed and loved. She stayed the night with me that night, though we didn’t make love. Something I should have done, something we both wanted. Though I just couldn’t bring myself to do that with someone whose heart was not mine.

                The next morning she told me she wanted to be with me, told me she was going to end things with her husband. Told me all she dreamed about was me. A year later she had left her husband for another man.

                I snapped her neck and threw her body in my pool.

                Did I give my heart away again? I almost did.  I kissed my best friend once when both of our hearts where lost and our bodies in the same place. We knew where it was going, we knew it would only hurt us both.

                I burned her body on my bed after stabbing her in the gut 7 times.

                There was one more who chased after me for so long. For so long she had tried and tried, and I just couldn’t let my heart in it. I couldn’t bring myself to open myself again. Then the perfect solution came up one day when I was at her house.

                “So,” Jamie said as she pulled me closer, “If I can’t have your heart, I at least want your body.”                 With that I was putty in her hands. We made love that night and continued  to basically be friends with benefits. It worked for us. It was partly what she wanted and it was all that I thought I required.

                Soon though, we both began to fall for each other. I would begin to stay at her place and we wouldn’t have sex. We would watch a movie, then cuddle up in her bed. I should have known then that it wasn’t going to end well. Whenever I let my heart get involved it never ended well for me.

                I denied for a month that I had any feelings for her. I told myself no, this is just what it is. I admitted I was starting to fall for her on a Tuesday, I lost her on a Wednesday.                 She wasn’t sure after all the times I had said no. She was now just as scared as I was.

                That Tuesday night while I lay in her bed I whispered in her ear, “Jamie,” she jumped, “I am starting to fall for you, maybe this could be something we have here.”

                She never answer, and as a matter of fact never told me anything about knowing anything I said that night at all.

                The next night her and I went out with our friends. I wanted to show her the gentleman I was and prove her to her that I was wanting more than just her body. I bought her meal, and her drinks all night. During dinner we all laughed and had a good time, we joked about how much fun we were going to have at the bars when we finished eating.

                Once at the bar, she danced with everyone but me. She met someone new. They exchanged numbers, and they spent the night together two nights later.

                I shot him in the face, her in heart and left their bodies in her bed.

                I did all these things tonight as I walked through the snow.  Some way somehow I had to make them all pay for the hurt they had given me. I was the fool who opened myself up time and time again, even when I swore I would not.

                Stupid Michael.

                Now I sit here alone in my room, the lights are off and a familiar song is on the radio, talking about being ready to love again. When you are hurt time and time again, how can you ever be ready to love again? How do you let yourself be secure enough to open yourself up again?  Isn’t it easier to stay alone? Doesn’t it hurt a little less being alone than letting yourself be hurt time and time again?                 I suppose this man will never know. I imagine soon enough the police will find me. They won’t find me. Just my body. Once I finish this note.

                I guess I’ll never know how this ends. The way it ends for me is with this note. I say goodbye and good luck to those who are brave enough to open up. Maybe I would have learned, maybe I would have found the love I needed.

Maybe.

For this guy though, I did what I did to make it all hurt a little less. I now say goodbye to you and this world. My body will be found next to the one I truly opened myself up to. The one I was married to lies behind me.

                I ran her over with my car. I shot her baby in the heart and beat her husband to death.

                I did all of that to make this all hurt a little less.

 

                                                                                                -Michael

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