Holding On



Anyone who has lost someone they were close to can tell you there are certain tricks to help you get through those sleepless nights. Losing a wife or husband or boyfriend or girlfriend that you live with can sometimes be the worst. Because then you have to deal with all the memories and things that you shared in the place that you live. You have to learn how to see the things that you shared every day and deal with them. Like I said though there are certain things you can do to make it easier. Some people go as far as to throw away everything they had together away. For some people that is the best thing to do. Others are perfectly fine until it’s time to go to sleep. They are restless, to hot, to cold, can never get comfortable. Worst of all they are rolling over to put their arms around someone that just isn’t there anymore. They learn a trick. I’ve done it, hell a lot of people have done it. The pillow trick. Soon enough though they to realize that all this is, is holding onto something that is no longer there. This is the story of one such person. Who just never learned to stop holding onto something thatwas no longer there.
He loved her with all his heart he thought. His name was Mark. Every day he thanked god that he was lucky enough to find a woman like this. Her name was Isabelle. Ever since the day they met they had been absolutely wonderful together in his eyes. In his eyes, she took care of him while he was sick, she was there for him when he needed held, she said all the things he ever needed to be said to him. In his eyes she was perfect. Young, beautiful, caring, and compassionate, those were all the things he though he loved about her. They way she held his face when they kissed, the way she rubbed his back after a long day at work. He thought she was perfect.
In Reality though, she was cheating on him every chance she got. Lying to him about almost everything one could lie about, and she never did anything for him. It made her feel better to do the things she did for him. Made her not feel so guilty about the life she was truly living. Everything Isabelle ever did was for herself. 
Finally one day she met someone she liked enough to leave him for. So she did. She slept with him on a Tuesday, and for once Mark thought she might be cheating on him. She knew he would eventually find out. On that Wednesday night she tried making herself feel better by staying up all night with Mark and talking to him about how much she loved him, and only wanted him, and how she would never cheat on him. Knowing full well that in the morning she would leave him, and never come back. They did make love that morning for the last time. He felt she was different though, he knew something was wrong but he didn’t care, he was making love with the woman that he thought he truly loved. They fell asleep in each others arms that morning for the last time. For when Mark woke up she was gone.
He spent the next few months doing things he is not proud of. Every time he drove by a tree, he came within seconds of deciding not to run into the tree and end his life. He hid from everyone in his life and wouldn’t give his heart to anyone. Eventually he learned to be a better person. He lost a lot of weight and really became a great guy. He had this one friend in Texas who helped him through everything he had been through. She was there for him to give him ideas on how to win this girl back, and was there to tell him what an idiot he was for still fighting, for holding onto something that wasn’t there. He honestly never would have made it through all of that without her. She was the only one he could talk to about a lot of his problems. She was the only one that really listened. He truly began to think of her as his best friend. 
Months and months later when he accepted that he was alone, and even began to love the fact that he was alone he finally met someone. It was the kind of thing that came out of left field. She wasn’t anyone he ever pictured himself with, and she wasn’t someone that he ever thought would really want to go out with him. Somewhere along the line though she had decided that he seemed like a nice guy and really wanted to get to know him more. He put up all the walls he could think to put up, tried talking himself out of spending time with her and getting to know her. Eventually though, he just couldn’t say no to her. Her name was Ashley. 
They went out a few times and they clicked almost perfectly together. They had the same beliefs on a lot of issues the other thought was important. Neither of them smoked, neither believed in abortion. They had all the makings for a perfect couple. The first time they kissed was probably one of the most bumbling kisses that had ever occurred in history because they were both so nervous. They both took the others breathe away and that is a rare thing to occur indeed. 
She was also fresh out of a serious relationship and very scared about giving her heart to anyone. They made love one night by the campfire. Nothing between them but the wind, and nothing above them but the gorgeous summer night. They laid on that bench swinging back and forth naked in each others arms. Something neither of them could have ever done without the other. Somehow through all that made them both nervous about each other, they found something comforting in the other. 
She got scared. She knew there was something with this guy. She knew every day that went by he was breaking down her walls she had just so recently put up, and she wasn’t ready for that. She ended things with him the next day. She wasn’t the type to sleep around, she wasn’t the type to fall for a guy so easily. She just wasn’t ready. Part of her heart was still with the ex boyfriend in her life. She knew that when she kissed Mark. As amazing as it was, it just wasn’t right for her she didn’t think.
When she broke up with him he said nothing, he knew it was coming and knew the reasons, and thought it was foolish to even fight it. The only thing he said to her was “You are holding onto something that just isn’t there.”
The next few days Mark was dealing with it very well, wasn’t to down or upset. I mean honestly, they were only together for a very brief time. In that brief time however, deep down he knew that she was someone he could love. The way she tore down his barriers so quickly, the way they laughed and joked, it was something straight out of a movie. He was amazed out how quickly he had become so comfortably in just having his arms around her. Granted she obviously didn’t feel the same, he thought about these things, and just wished she would stop holding onto something that just wasn’t there.
Ashley however, spent her next few days deciding what to do with her life. She couldn’t help but miss the ex in her life more than she would care to admit. She wasn’t sure if she should go after him or let him go. For he was leaving town soon enough, and she would never have a chance to see him again. In the end is what fate that decided that for her though. She ran into Mark one day, and he took her breath away. He didn’t see her, was just walking out of his apartment building and going down the road. She saw him though. Immediately, she knew what she had to do.
She went to his house the very same night. She told him she wanted to try again. She told him she had made a mistake. Mark gave in immediately, hoping beyond hope that she had truly let go. 
They both got into their own cars, and made plans to meet down the road at a little coffee shop and talk, and start all over again. They were stopped at a red light, him at the front of the line and her in 2nd, he glanced in his rearview mirror and saw the smile on her face and he absolutely loved it. It lit up his day. He thought, maybe she really has let go, maybe this could work.
As the light turned green he took his time, in no hurry to get anywhere. When he got to the middle of the intersection he heard a honk, a loud crashing sound, then there was so much pain. Soon after that he was out.
She saw all this but could do nothing. She saw the semi going to fast, heading towards him. She knew he didn’t see it, there was nothing she could do. She couldn’t even honk her horn. The semi honked, and crashed into his car. His car bent like it was made out of butter. She ran out of her car and ran to him but he was out. He was breathing but he wasn’t conscious. She heard someone in the crowd that was forming say they had already called 911 so she stayed with him. Hoping and praying he would be ok.
He woke up in the hospital sometime later. He remembered what had happened, and he honestly felt pretty good. He glanced over and saw her sleeping in the velvet green chair that sat in the corner of his room. He could see the light flicker off the tears that were still fresh in her eyes.
He called for her and she quickly woke up and ran to his side. She said nothing at first, just kissed him. Kissed him like there was no tomorrow, for all she knew there wasn’t. He smiled back at her thinking that it was going to be ok. 
As she hugged him on his bed he whispered one thing, he said, “You know I’m falling in love with you right? I have been for awhile now, I just wished that you weren’t holding onto something that wasn’t there.”
She said back to him, “I’m not anymore, I won’t ever again, I should have known with the way we clicked, with the way everything was so magical and perfect those nights we had together were. I should have known sooner Mark, I know I should have. But, I’m not holding onto anything that isn’t there anymore,” tears formed in her eyes, “I want to hold on to you Mark.”
Soon after that he fell asleep. The doctors and nurses all told her that he was going to be alright and he would be going home soon. She took that as a good sign to get some sleep.
When she awoke a few hours later, she woke up to an empty room. Mark was no longer there. She woke quickly and went into the hallway to find someone to ask them what was going on. She grabbed a nurse by the shoulders and demanded that she tell him.
The nurse just laughed and said, “Oh well he’s fine young lady, he just went for a walk, he didn’t want to wake you, he should be just down that hall, he only left but a minute ago.”

She felt stupid for thinking the worst, and walked down the hall to finish his walk with him. There she found him on his back. She ran to him again, and for the last time. She screamed for nurses to come help but she knew it was probably to late. He was already gone. His life was over. She laid there holding him on that cold hospital floor for hours before she finally let go of what was there. She let go of him with all the regret in the world. She let go of someone she knew she could love. She just wished she would have let go of what wasn’t there sooner so she could have had something with him, it could have been different. It could have been better. He could have been here today…


2 thoughts on “Holding On”

  1. I have to commend you for being willing to put your writing out there for others to read. Feedback is a good way to learn how to improve and it’s really brave to be willing to listen to other people’s comments.

    This piece of writing has a nice premise and a nice progression of events. Since it lacks dialogue or introspection though, it reads rather like the outline to a piece rather than the piece in itself. In particular I feel I don’t really know the characters involved. The way they’re presented here they’re rather like blank slates. I hope you revisit this and expand on it. If you do I’d love to read it.

    I’d also like to share with you one of my favorite writing blogs. It’s writeworld on tumblr. They have lots of good advice on there and share advice from other writing blogs.Their advice has helped me tremendously to improve and consider why I write what I write. I’d recommend them highly.

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