Worse Than This

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I drove in the middle of the night. No one knew where I was, and no one knew where I was going. All my friends, my family, my loved ones, they would all be asleep before I even left the house. I had a lot to think about, I had a lot to deal with. Really, I had nothing at all.

Tonight was the 12th night in the row I felt drunk. The 12th night in a row, I drank a beer, and then took a shot, and then 2 more beers and 2 more shots. It was beginning to be my nightly ritual. It usually knocked me out cold. Helped me get through the nights that I so often dreaded. Tonight though it didn’t seem to be the poison I needed.

So I drove. Knowing full well I shouldn’t, but I could not stand to be in our house alone anymore. I had lived there 2 years on my own. My wife had left me so long ago, it seemed like an entirely different lifetime. She has since found someone else, found a new family, had a new baby, and started a new life. 

While I myself have done nothing. No loved one to really speak of. No girlfriend, no one that looks at me and says wow he is cute as hell. Nothing. There was one, then another, and another. Only one since my wife has made me fall. I fell so hard for her so long ago, I still have not been able to completely recover.

I thought of her as I pulled out of the driveway. The way her face turned red when I looked at her. The way she always told me things she knew she shouldn’t. The way her entire face lit up when she smiled at me. When she smiled at anyone. I remembered her touch from so long ago. Her hands running across my head as we kissed. 

That was another life. That was not someone I could ever be with again. 

I turned the corner not really knowing where I was going. I drove past the lakes and the reservoir. Past more MCdonalds than I cared to count. Before I knew it was out of town and alone. I still felt the buzz but I knew I could drive. I knew I shouldn’t be out here alone. The friend I always counted on was not around anymore. I couldn’t call her. She wouldn’t be there to save my life again. 

I turned around as quickly as I could and headed for my house. I was speeding but I didn’t care. I didn’t see a single cop on my way out there and I had to get home, being out here alone was driving me crazy. To many thoughts running through my head to many random things I was thinking that I…

BOOM

I hit something and slammed on the breaks as fast as I could. I was swerving on and off the road, until finally into a tree I smashed head first. It didn’t take me more than a couple minutes to calm myself down. There wasn’t a scratch on me.

I got out of the car cussing and screaming at whatever animal I happened to hit. I didn’t know what the heck it could have been. It was 3 in the morning and I was in town. Whatever it was it seemed big. There it was.

Lying lifeless on the side of the road his Bakugan shirt torn to shreds as he had skidded across the pavement. Somehow I had ended up in front of my ex wifes house in my path to get home in a hurry. Somehow I had killed my own son.

I later learned they were playing a game in their house. My son thought it would be funny to run across the street and hide in a trashcan. He never made it. I had made sure of that.

Now here I sit alone in my cell. The city thinks they are punishing me. Keeping me in here by myself. They could never do anything to me. I killed my own son, I deserve much worse than this..

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